Let’s talk masculinity.
In today’s world, throw the word “masculinity” out there, and chances are “toxic” won’t be far behind. But why is that? When did masculinity become synonymous with toxicity, and more importantly, does it have to be that way?
In a recent discussion, my friend Justin and I dug into this topic, challenging some of the assumptions around modern masculinity.
Justin, who sees himself as “old-school,” feels strongly about chivalry. He believes in opening doors, giving up his seat, or offering a hand to someone carrying heavy bags. For him, this isn’t about undermining women but about living by values that promote respect and kindness.
But he also notices that sometimes his chivalry is met with skepticism or even seen as a sign of toxic masculinity. And that got us wondering—has chivalry become outdated?
Take my own example: I’m all for opening doors and showing respect, but I don’t make a big show of unlocking the car door anymore. With automatic locks, it feels more practical for both parties to just get in and go. Maybe it’s a small thing, but it symbolizes a bigger shift. Are these once-valued chivalrous gestures now misunderstood as implying weakness in others?
The term “toxic masculinity” often gets thrown around as a blanket label, but what does it really mean?
Toxic masculinity points to certain harmful traits often associated with rigid traditional masculinity—dominance, suppression of emotions, or aggression. But when we use the term too freely, we risk creating a stereotype that all masculinity is toxic, ignoring the nuances and positive expressions of being a man.
Think about some of the scenarios Justin and I discussed. Let’s say you’re sitting on a bus, and a young, able-bodied woman steps on. Is it chivalrous or outdated to offer her your seat? We might both be healthy, equal individuals, but what if she’s had a long day and just needs a break? Would offering her the seat be seen as courteous, or might she take it as you implying she’s too weak to stand?
Here’s a wild thought: Maybe masculinity isn’t something that needs a complete overhaul.
Instead, maybe we just need to reevaluate what “strength” means in today’s world. After all, it’s one thing to be “a warrior in a garden” versus “a gardener in a war,” as the old saying goes.
In a world that increasingly values equality, real strength might mean finding ways to show kindness, offer respect, and create safety without overstepping boundaries.
So, what’s the takeaway here?
Be nice.
Seriously, that’s it. When it comes down to it, we’re all better off focusing on being decent human beings. Open a door, offer a seat, but don’t feel obligated to fit into any particular mold.
And on the flip side, if someone opens a door for you or offers their help, take it as a sign of respect—not as an implication of weakness.
The bottom line is that both men and women could benefit from a little more kindness and a little less scrutiny of each other’s intentions.
As we navigate this complex cultural landscape, maybe the goal isn’t to redefine masculinity but to broaden it. Let’s leave space for the good stuff—whether that’s strength, compassion, chivalry, or just human decency. Because masculinity doesn’t have to be toxic; it can just be one more way to be a kind, respectful person in the world.
Listen to the full podcast episode where Justin King and I discuss this concept here.
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